There are so many terrible things about diets. I hate them. Who doesn’t?
But there is some irresistible pull I have towards them.
I’ve noticed that when all hell breaks loose, when I am overwhelmed, rejected, or cannot open my desk drawer due to all of the crap piled in it, I want to diet.The problem, I am sure, is that my body is not aesthetically pleasing. I want to stand naked in front of the mirror and criticize my all of my faults. I want to look at a high fashion magazine and curse the universe for not giving me a body like those models. I want to try on my clothes from a few months ago before I gained an extra 20 pounds.
The situation in my mind is simple: to fix the uncomfortable and painful feelings I often feel, I need to become a size 2. Duh.
So then I diet.
Of course it is not enough to berate just your own body while dieting. One thing I noticed when I began dieting in 8th grade is that suddenly everyone else’s body became apparent to me. Before, I never noticed other people’s love handles. They simply didn’t matter to me. But when you diet, you notice every other woman’s bulge and roll and you constantly make mental note of it whenever she walks into a room. Suddenly the room is filled with people in two categories: those who are thinner and those who are fatter than me.
I am as mean and as critical about other people’s physiques as I am my own and I hate that.
I also become an irrational biotch. When I diet I am selfish, needy, desperate, and total drag to be around.
My conclusion? Dieting sucks. Do I know what to do about it? Nope. I just know that when I cannot do it anymore (I usually just get through two diet-worthy meals before I binge), when I am overwhelmed by school or friends, the first thing I reach for is food. I sneak around, go for walks by myself where I eat at three different restaurants in an hours time. I sit in the bathroom stall and inhale chocolate bars. I sit in my bed to unwind by eating three packages of Oreos while watching an entire season of Gossip Girl in one sitting.
I have read numerous books about diets… some telling me what to eat and when, and others advising I should give up dieting once and for all. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I don’t know what to do. And I am not so sure that a book or some diet guru will have the answer to all my problems. All I know is that whenever I try to follow those dieting instructions, I fail. There has not been one time where I have felt successful. Even if I did end up losing weight I still had a mound of other problems.
I did however enjoy this article about establishing a healthy relationship with food, without dieting. Check it out: http://www.scribd.com/full/16989363?access_key=key-aezpg2l9djymj775wet
I don’t know what it is like to be successful at dieting or non-dieting. It is hard to commit myself to something that I know, in my heart, I don’t really believe in. Nothing feels right about diets. I know, in the deepest part of my soul, it is wrong. The world shouldn’t be going on diets. That is ridiculous! Perhaps you feel the same way too, you would never tell your girlfriend she should diet. She should ask herself why she overeats. What is wrong underneath.
But when my world is falling apart the first thing I look for are quick fix and weight loss oriented programs. As if when I lose weight everything will finally be the way I want it to be, the way I deserve it to be.
How do you feel about dieting? Has anything ever good come from it? Or are the most successful diets the ones where we feel good about ourselves, allow ourselves to eat 1 serving of what we want, and dig deep into finding the real reason behind our disordered eating?
To a world free of dieters– xoxo